


if I put my fingers here, and if I say I love you, dear

by schwartz1e



Series: The Useless Gays of Bombarded [3]
Category: BomBARDed (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, dont at me, i don’t make the rules i just enforce em, ilda is deaf and mute, no one in this podcast is cis or straight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 23:19:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15254280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schwartz1e/pseuds/schwartz1e
Summary: The only reason Raz’ul decides to learn sign language one day is because he’s bored. It has nothing to do with Ilda. At least, he doesn’t think itdoes. Does it?Title from the Barenaked Ladies’ “It’s All Been Done.”





	if I put my fingers here, and if I say I love you, dear

So Yashee and Tabitha were dating. That’s cool, Raz’ul thought. They’re super cute together--but they’re ALWAYS together. Which makes sense; they’re dating, they should spend a lot of time on dates and all that junk. What’s grating on Raz’ul is when Chaos Sauce is hanging out and Tabitha brings over her band, entirely unprompted. See, because Tabitha’s cool, right? She’s really nice and laughs at Randy’s jokes and talks to Raz’ul about his potpourri. So that’s great. It’s Ilda and Gareth that Raz’ul just can’t get comfortable with. 

Gareth is...well, Gareth. He’s obnoxious and still bitter about what happened at the PunchBowl and antagonizes them any chance he gets. Raz’ul has lost a fair amount of homework to the sporadic and sudden firefights Gareth and Randy start in the middle of their study sessions. 

Ilda is more of an enigma than a nuisance to Raz’ul, but he still has had a difficult time connecting with her. He found out the hard way that she was both deaf and mute after a particularly incendiary study session that landed both Randy and Gareth in detention and closed the study room for a week due to excessive fire and smoke damage. Raz’ul was already exhausted even before he tried to parse his music theory homework, and seeing his hard work literally go up in flames was the last straw. He spent the entire walk back to the dorm complaining to Yashee about Gareth, and how Randy should control himself better, and why doesn’t Ilda step in and say something for once. Yashee had been listening patiently until he mentioned Ilda.

“Uh, she literally can’t say anything, Raz’ul,” she said. “She’s mute. And deaf. That’s why she uses sign language?” Raz’ul’s mouth clicked shut and he felt a slight blush rising on his cheeks. 

“Um...oops,” he said. He didn’t say anything more the entire walk back to their dorm.

The next evening found Raz’ul, Yashee, Tabitha and Ilda studying in Chaos Sauce’s dorm while Gareth and Randy worked off their detentions by helping to clean the charred study room. Raz’ul couldn’t stay focused on his work and eventually his gaze made its way to Ilda. She was...talking, he guessed. To Tabitha. With her hands? She was gesturing rapidly, and Tabitha was nodding and gesturing back. Raz’ul looked down at his own hands and attempted to copy a few of the things he had seen Ilda do with ease. After a few minutes of trying, he suddenly heard charis scraping against the floor. He looked up and saw Ilda and Tabitha practically running out of their dorm. Once they were gone, Yashee turned to Raz’ul with a deep frown and threw a crumpled up piece of paper at him.

“Hey! What was that for?!” he asked. Yashee rolled her eyes as she cleaned up her books.

“Seriously, Raz’ul?” she said, slinging her bag over her shoulder, “I didn’t think you would stoop that low.” She went into her room and shut the door, leaving Raz’ul confused about much more than his homework. 

\-------

Ever since then, Ilda has tried her best to avoid Raz’ul. Or at least, that’s what it seems like to Raz’ul. She stops coming to study sessions, and with Gareth and Randy’s constant detention visits, it’s often just Raz’ul, Yashee and Tabitha studying together. This isn’t a huge problem, at first, but eventually Raz’ul gets sick of feeling like a third wheel to their history homework. 

One night, Yashee and Tabitha are out on a proper date, Randy is cleaning a training room, and Raz’ul is alone in his dorm room. He’s absentmindedly strumming Axe Usumptin. All of his homework is finished, for once, and now he’s just bored. He plays one last loud power chord just because he can, and then places the guitar carefully back on its stand. Raz’ul just lays there for a moment, thinking. Suddenly, an idea pops in his head, and he quickly sits up, grabbing his map of Strumlotts on his way out the door.

A few minutes later, Raz’ul is sitting at a table in the library with five books about sign language in front of him. He takes a deep breath and opens the one on top, “Common Sign Language for Dummies,” and begins to read.

\-------

Raz’ul doesn’t say anything about his secret studies for a few weeks, and the subject doesn’t come up. It isn’t until the two bands get together to study again that Raz’ul finds the opportunity to try out his CSL.

Yashee and Tabitha are reading together on the couch, and Randy and Gareth are glaring daggers at each other from across the room, where they’ve been banished since they got out of their most recent detention stint. Raz’ul wasn’t sure how, but Tabitha had convinced Ilda to come, so they share the one table in the room. For the most part, they are both calmly absorbed in their homework, but as Raz’ul turns to start his next assignment, he begins to panic.

Ilda and Raz’ul share exactly one class together, and Raz’ul had forgotten to write down the homework questions. He’s flipping around in his notebook frantically, but he can’t find anything. He takes a deep breath and then gently taps Ilda on her arm. She looks up at him in surprise, and he carefully and slowly begins to sign.

“Hey...Ilda...you write...questions...for class?” Ilda simply stares at him for a moment, wide-eyed, and then nods. She turns her notebook to him and points to where she had written down the assignment. Raz’ul smiles.

“Thank you,” he signs, and he copies down the problems and turns her notebook back to her. He is about half-way through the first problem when he feels tension in the air, and he looks up to find everyone in the room staring at him.

“Uh...what’s up, guys?” he says. “Something on my face?” 

“Raz’ul, have you...have you always been able to sign?” Tabitha is the first one to find her voice, and after that it is a barrage of questions that Raz’ul can’t even hope to begin answering. Even Ilda’s hands are flying with queries. Finally, Raz’ul holds up his hands and the room goes quiet.

“Okay. One, no, I have not always been able to sign,” Raz’ul says. “Two, I learned it from some books in the library, because three, I was... bored one day. So, yeah.” Everyone is still staring at him. Raz’ul squirms, uncomfortable with the attention he’s getting. “What, can’t a guy learn a new skill without being interrogated? It’s no big deal.” Tabitha and Yashee exchange a look, and then Tabitha turns back to Ilda and signs something that Raz’ul can’t decipher. Whatever Tabitha says causes Gareth to snort and Ilda’s eyes to widen. She shakes her head vigorously before signing something back quickly and then looking down at her homework again. Yashee and Tabitha do the same, and Randy and Gareth resume trying to murder each other with their gazes.

Raz’ul takes a moment to process the response to his signing. He didn’t think it would illicit a reaction like that. He’s allowed to be bored and go to the library and learn something new, right? He glances at Ilda. He can’t be sure, but he thinks he sees her cheeks are a light pink. He wonders if she’s sick or something, and then goes back to his homework, wondering if they have any soup he can give her before she leaves.

\-------

Ilda hangs out with them more and more after that. She comes to the occasional study session, and then every other one, and then suddenly she’s at every single session. Yashee eventually starts something called Band Bonding Time in an effort to get Randy and Gareth to get along, and of course Tabitha is there but Ilda tags along too. BBT mostly involves lots of forced cuddles on Chaos Sauce’s very small couch while they watch movies or trashy reality shows, but sometimes they turn into impromptu jam sessions. 

This is one of those times. The two bands had started out watching some show that Splash had recommended to them, but Raz’ul became bored and fidgety within the first ten minutes. He gets Axe Usumptin from his room and starts strumming, easily drowning out the annoying people in the show. Yashee grins and gets her hammer mallets, and soon enough the two bands are trying to compose...something. They have a melody, for the most part, but Randy and Gareth have devolved into arguing about lyrics while Tabitha and Yashee try to convince them that they can’t figure out the lyrics if they don’t have the full song written yet. Raz’ul, meanwhile, is struggling with the bridge. He has some chords that sound okay with the rest of the song, but the overall sound is eluding him. He sighs in frustration and mutes the strings. Looking up, he sees Ilda staring at him. Her cheeks go pink, and she pushes her curly hair behind her ears before hesitantly reaching out to try and touch the guitar. 

Raz’ul doesn’t really mean to recoil like he does, but he can’t help it. No one is allowed to touch Usumptin besides him. Ilda balks and draws her hand back. She pushes her hair behind her ears again and takes a deep breath.

“I want to help you,” she signs, “but I need to touch the strings.” Raz’ul raises an eyebrow and simply signs, “Why?” She gives him a Look and gestures to her ears. Oh, right. But Ilda continues, signing, “I play the lute. I feel the vibrations of the strings and ‘listen’ that way. I would play on my own lute, but I left it in my dorm.”

Raz’ul’s eyes go wide. He shifts Usumptin so his hands can move around more, and tries his best to sign what he wants to ask. 

“How...learn that? Can you teach me?” Ilda smiles and nods and then reaches out her hand again. Raz’ul hesitates again for just a moment, and then actually takes Umsumptin’s strap off his shoulder and hands the guitar to her. Her smile widens and she takes the guitar, holding it carefully. She runs her hands over the runes.

“Lots of power in this,” she signs. “Very magical.” Raz’ul just nods, intently watching her to see how she was going to play. Ilda takes a moment to adjust the guitar in her lap. She strums the open strings once and then just sits there for a second as the sound rings out. She grins again and then looks at Raz’ul.

“Watch closely, after I strum,” she signs. “Don’t pay attention to the sound. Just look. You’ll see.” Once again, she plays another open chord and Raz’ul focuses on Umsumptin. He blocks out the noise the Axe makes and stares at the strings and the body of the guitar.

His jaw drops. He had never noticed before how Usumptin vibrated when he played, but now, looking as closely as he is, he can see the way the Axe shakes ever so slightly. Ilda plays an actual chord this time, and Raz’ul sees the vibrations in the strings change. He looks back at Ilda’s face. Her smile is huge; she knows he can see what she’s talking about. She gives the guitar back to Raz’ul. 

“Now, feel,” she signs. Raz’ul nods and plays the same chord she had just strummed. Again, he blocks out the sound and now, he can feel those vibrations he saw, resonating in his chest. He tries another chord and feels how those vibrations change again. Raz’ul plays through the bridge he was trying out before, feeling out the chords and finally, FINALLY, he realizes what he has to change. He plays through the sequence again, moving a couple chords around and altering his strumming pattern and there it is! Raz’ul looks up with a stupidly huge grin on his face and Ilda is sitting across from him, clapping in delight. They spend a moment just sitting there smiling at each other when Yashee breaks the silence that Raz’ul hadn’t noticed had fallen around them.

“Whoa,” she says. “Raz’ul that...that was awesome.” Even Randy and Gareth have stopped arguing and they’re looking at the dwarf in awe. Raz’ul is too caught up in the excitement of this new skill to really care about how long he and Ilda had been lost in their own little world. He’s nodding and playing random chords and just feeling the music for what seems like the first time in his life and he just starts babbling.

“Ilda taught me! She taught me to just...feel the chords and the vibrations, and, and, I can do that! I could feel how the bridge sounded and could feel how to fix it, holy crap! I can’t wait to show Splash this is...this, this is awesome! Ilda, thank you! Thank you so much!” Before he can think about it, Raz’ul puts down Usumptin and leans over to Ilda, wrapping his arms around her in a hug. Ilda stiffens for just a moment and then awkwardly pats his back. He releases her and sees that her cheeks are pink again but she’s smiling, albeit shyly. Raz’ul picks his Axe up again.

“Alright, let’s go through this whole thing one more time!” he says. Yashee counts them in and they begin to play. It sounds wonderful, of course, and Raz’ul is too focused on the song to see the soft look Ilda has on her face as she watches him play.

\-------

The semester begins to wind down, and as their homework load slowly but surely lightens, the number of study sessions the bards have dwindle. However, this means their bonding time increases. The exhaustion from their classes sinks in to their bones, and even Randy and Gareth stop fighting long enough to participate in the numerous cuddle sessions and group nap times that Yashee and Tabitha organize. 

Their relaxation time is cut short when finals really begin to loom over their heads. They decide they can’t risk the distractions inherit in all of them studying together, and so individual study sessions become more common. Ilda approaches Raz’ul one day and asks him to help her study for their class’ final, and he agrees quickly. He didn’t have the best grasp on the material as is, and so hopefully working through it with Ilda would allow him to absorb the information better and maybe help him pass the final and, better yet, the class. 

The first few times they meet, they try to set themselves up for success and work on the table in the common area, but they quickly realize that it’s just uncomfortable. They end up moving their chairs closer and closer to one another in order to share notes, and so it just makes sense for them to move to the couch and keep their papers on the low coffee table. They switch off bringing coffee for each other until Raz’ul knows exactly how much milk Ilda likes, and Ilda brings snacks, including homemade granola that is loaded with dried apricots, Raz’ul’s favorite fruit. 

Their teacher provided them with a study guide, and Ilda and Raz’ul manage to find most of the answers in their notes, but they eventually exhaust themselves in their attempts to find the rest in the mess of papers that is scattered around them. They resign themselves to just reading back through their textbook. They equally divide the remaining questions between them and settle themselves on opposite ends of the couch to read.

Raz’ul’s not sure how it happens, but he slowly realizes that in his and Ilda’s shifting to find comfortable reading positions, they had scooted closer to each other on the couch. He’s used to the closeness, finally, thanks to all of their bands’ frequent cuddle sessions, so he doesn’t think too much into it. He’s reclining with his arm up and his hand behind his head and Ilda, at some point, had settled herself against his side. His hand is falling asleep so he shifts and gets that arm that had been up around Ilda. A few more minutes pass and Raz’ul notices that Ilda hasn’t turned a page in her textbook for a long while. She’s breathing deeply.

“Aw, she fell asleep,” he thinks and smiles. He decides that he deserves a break too, and puts his textbook on the couch next to him. He leans his head on Ilda’s.

“Alright, so after this final is our performance for Splash and Alola...gotta decide on a song for that...hafta check what time my composition final is too…” Raz’ul sighs deeply, stress building in his stomach. Then he breathes in again. 

“Is that...Ilda’s shampoo? Smells nice...should ask her what brand she uses…” he thinks idly, and shifts his arm around her. She turns in her sleep so she’s snuggling more into his side. They sit there together, not moving, and Raz’ul thinks about Ilda some more. How kind she is. How cool of her to teach him how to feel the vibrations on Usumptin. Her pretty curls and the way her cheeks turn pink and how she’ll sometimes sign her way through a problem she’s thinking about in her head and how the deep green of her eyes reminds him of the trees in the forest he used to live in and--

“Whoa!” he exclaims suddenly, sitting forward. Ilda wakes up in time to catch herself before she falls off the couch. She blearily looks around and rubs her eyes.

“What happened?” she signs to him, and Raz’ul is too panicked to think of a coherent lie. He gathers his textbook and as many papers as he can shove in his bag before backing toward the door, signing, “sorry,” over and over again. As soon as he’s out of the room, he turns and runs. 

\-------

Raz’ul spends a long time alternating between running around campus and pacing in random areas. Yashee and Randy find him that night when he eventually finds his way to the cafetorium and almost barrels into them.

“Whoa, Raz’ul!” Yashee says, grabbing his shoulders and picking him up. His legs still swing uselessly in the air for a minute before he realizes he’s no longer moving. “We’ve been calling you on your Ira Glass all day, are you alright?” 

“Yeah, Tabitha called Yashee and said that Ilda called her and said you just ran out of the common room during your study session,” Randy adds. “Did you get sick or something?” Raz’ul slumps suddenly in Yashee’s arms, the exhaustion from his hour long sprint around Strumlotts finally getting to him. Yashee throws him over her shoulder and heads to an empty table in the back of the cafetorium.

“Alright, bud, let’s get you some food and water, and then you can tell us what happened.” She puts him in a chair and she and Randy head over to Alto Brown to order dinner. 

\---

Raz’ul has to admit, he does feel better after eating and chugging about four bottles of water. Randy and Yashee fill the silence while he recuperates, and it almost makes him forget what he was running from, until his bandmates notice how much more aware he is and focus their attention on interrogating him.

“So, why’d you run out on Ilda?” Randy asks. “Did something bad happen while you were studying? We still have a common room right? Destroying our study areas is kind of me and Gareth’s thing, I didn’t think you or Ilda had it in you.” 

“Tabitha said Ilda was really upset that you left so suddenly,” Yashee said. “Did you say something to her?” Raz’ul shook his head. Yashee frowns. “Then what happened, Raz’ul? You can tell us.” 

His first instinct is to lie, of course. He could say any number of things and Yashee and Randy would probably believe him and then they could all move on without a fuss. But as he sits there thinking, with his two best friends in the world staring at him, he realizes, for the first time in a long time, that he doesn’t want to lie. He takes a deep breath and keeps his gaze focused on the table.

“I...may have a slight crush...on Ilda…” he says. There is no response. He looks up and Yashee and Randy are looking at him expectantly, like they’re waiting for him to say more. He stares back at them in turn. 

“Yeah, and?” Yashee finally says. Raz’ul sits up straighter with a start.

“What do you mean, ‘yeah, and’?” he says. “What more do you want?” Randy shrugs.

“We thought this was gonna be new news,” he says. “Like, I dunno...you guys finally kissed but you’re a bad kisser so you got embarrassed and left.” 

“Yeah, or you farted in front of her and she laughed,” Yashee adds. Raz’ul is staring at them in total and utter shock. He splutters for a moment before he finds his voice again.

“This IS new news! I just figured out I liked her today, when we were studying! That’s why I ran!” he exclaims. Yashee and Randy look at each other and then begin to laugh.

“You...you seriously just figured out TODAY that you have a crush on Ilda?!” Yashee says. “You learned an entire language for her! You let her play your guitar!”

“None of those things mean I had a crush on her!” he argues. “I was just trying to get to know her! Man, screw you guys, if you’re not gonna help, then I’m leaving.” He started to stand up but Randy grabbed his arm.

“Help? How exactly do you want us to help you?” he asks. “Ilda likes you, too, just go and apologize and explain what happened.” Raz’ul is immediately frozen in a half-standing position.

“Ilda what now?” He isn’t sure he heard Randy right. There’s no way...but if that’s true then…

“I have to go.” Raz’ul straightens up as he grabs his bag, and once again takes off at a run through the cafetorium. 

“Raz’ul, where--” Yashee yells after him but Raz’ul interrupts her by turning around and flashing her a huge grin.

“I have to go find Ilda!” he yells back, and turns back, waving the Common Sign Language sign for “I love you” over his head at them as a goodbye.

\-------

It took Raz’ul another half hour or so of running around campus to find Ilda--she had returned to her dorm soon after he ran out on her. Unfortunately, Gareth is the one to open the door, and he refuses to let Raz’ul enter. 

“You hurt my friend, you’re not welcome here,” Gareth says, sneering. Raz’ul sighed. 

“I’m here to apologize, Gareth, come on!” Raz’ul keeps trying to slip past him to get into the dorm but Gareth is too quick. 

“I’m not letting you in here, dwarf!” he says, and then he’s suddenly and forcibly pushed out of the doorway by Tabitha. 

“Gareth, seriously!” she says, and then turns to Raz’ul with a small smile. “She’s in her room, down that hall and to the right.” Raz’ul nods in thanks and heads off in the direction she pointed as Gareth and Tabitha argue. The last thing he hears is a “smack!” and Gareth yelping. Then, there’s only silence. 

Ilda’s door is open, and when Raz’ul turns to enter he sees her, sitting on her bed holding her lute. She’s softly strumming it, playing random chord after random chord. Raz’ul balks in the doorway for a moment. He hadn’t really thought about what he was going to do or say when he got here, but he takes a deep breath and steps into her room. Ilda’s head snaps up and her eyes widen when she sees it’s Raz’ul. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and sets her lute down on the bed next to her before looking back up at the dwarf. Raz’ul swallows nervously.

“...How did you know I walked in?” he signs. 

“Magic,” Ilda signs back. “Tabtiha.” Raz’ul nods. He wipes his hands on his pants and takes another deep breath before signing again.

“I’m sorry, really, about before. I...figured out something. About me and you. Okay, about me...about you. I’m not doing this right.” He flexes his hands nervously, and then shakes them out. “I like you. A lot. I didn’t think about it sooner but I know now. I got nervous and ran. Sorry.” Ilda only sits there and stares at Raz’ul’s hands for what feels like a very long time. Raz’ul starts to get nervous. Maybe Yashee and Randy were wrong? But then, Ilda grins wide and starts signing back excitedly.

“I like you! I like you too!” She signs this over and over again as she hops off the bed and runs to him. Ilda throws her arms around Raz’ul’s neck and he laughs as he swings her around in a huge hug. They hear footsteps in the hallway, and then Tabitha appears in the doorway. She smiles when she sees them.

“Great! Wonderful! Do you think you can help me set Gareth up with Randy now?” From down the hall there’s a wordless yell of frustration, and the other three bards laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @fully-realized-creation
> 
> Twitter: @schwartzie7
> 
> I love you.


End file.
